Let’s get the basics out of the way first. While you may think that every woman you approach is somehow obliged to sleep with you, or you are entitled to run your fingers, eyes, or genitals across her body without her consent, sorry to burst your bubble, you’re wrong! And no matter what politicians, annoying uncles, and serial rapists say, you still have no physical right whatsoever over a woman no matter what she wears, says, does, eats, drinks, and so on.
If you’re in a vehicle and see a woman walking on the street, follow traffic rules correctly, don’t get your eyes off the road, stop at the red signal, and drive when it goes green. Pro tip: If said woman looks like she needs help, you could pull over, ask her if she needs something, and for added advantage, don’t rape her. On the streets if you’re both walking in the same direction, continue walking in the same direction, and go back to minding your own business. Now, when in doubt always ask for help. If you think you’re going to rape or molest someone, have a friend or acquaintance know your intentions and get them to rescue you from rape.
An important thing one needs to do is to be careful of one’s surrounding. If you see women around you enjoying themselves, having a drink or two, speaking to other women/men, laughing, dancing, breathing, or even (gasp!) existing, leave them alone. Pro tip: keep your phone fully charged so you can play candy crush or pretend to have a functional relationship, instead of exposing your staring skills in public.
What’s more? Keep a few basics in mind. Like say, if you encounter a woman who’s passed out or comfortably asleep, let her be. At least try. It’s really simple to do, I promise. And if you end up alone with a woman in say, a shared cab, bus, alley, bathroom, basement, elevator, or just about anywhere, use the above mentioned phone trick. It works wonders.
Lastly, if you feel like your natural state is rape and the women in question are somehow to be equated with inanimate objects such as food, sugar, a bone, or jewellery, and you are supposed to be the hungry man, ant, dog, or thief respectively, who’d be drawn to them in this twisted metaphor, you are not ready to get out just yet. It is perhaps safest to stay indoors and set a curfew for yourself. Plus, if you think you’re likely to blame things like alcohol, chowmein, Bollywood, jeans, Western culture, A/Cs, heaters, washing machines, astrology, algebra and any such ridiculous (yet plausible, duh!) thing, house arrest is your way to go. Stay home for your own sake and avoid addressing the public if you’re a politician.
If you’ve made it far enough in life to be reading this without a single instance of sexual assault of any kind, well, good for you. You get the “congratulations, you’re a normal human being” award. Keep doing what you do, and get back to reading this when in doubt. And please don’t say #NotAllMen if you want to continue this winning streak.